Moving Week

09/13/04
Moving was a sucess! It took a while and I am still getting rid of cardboard boxes. Time to plan the party...

08/30/04
Got things a little more under control. I move tomorrow. Can't wait. I have a lot of work to do before then.

Oh I am so not into this. I am just not... My stomach is killing me..I feel like hiding in bed. I have still more to disassemble. Trying to make it as managable as possible so the move will be simple. I'm really kinda bored with this whole packing thing. It was fun at first and now it's an annoyance. There is just some much more matter when it's disassembled. I am looking forward to this new place.. New taps, new blinds, new locks...

Deception

I am so sick and tired of the cliched "Deceiving the Female" formula I see in movies:
-Man deceives woman
-Woman discovers deceit
-Woman: angry, hurt, embarrassed, ejects man from her life
-Man feels remorse and begs for forgiveness
-Woman forgives
-Happily ever after

I'd like to see a little more:
-Man deceives woman
-Woman discovers deceit
-Woman: angry, hurt, embarrassed, kills man as example to others
-Happily ever after

Enough of this "boys will be boys" crap!! Time to grow up fellas.

Delineation

Shine a light into dark corners to reveal the misconceptions that are restricting your forward movement. Your first task is to create stronger boundaries and more clearly define your plans.

Forgiveness of another comes naturally; forgiveness of self takes a bit longer….

Interesting quote. It must have meant something to me at the time -- two, three years ago. The first part is still valid to me, however the last line there.. I'm not sure how naturally forgiveness actually does come. You hurt me and I just may harbour resentment for sometime. Sometimes, it is harder to let go of your anger and hostiliy than it is to keep on hating. Hate and anger can be very comforting defensive mechanisms. (Hey! There's a new one.)

I need to learn to clearly define everything. Maybe even rope off the things I can't clearly define into their own CLEARY DEFINED AREA. Yeah, that's it, yeeeea..

What was good for us at one stage of our lives may be lethal now. We need to take stock and see where we are with our
lives.

- Sept 8. Meditations For Woman Who do Too Much

Random Conviction

Science VS. Art
I can do both. Science to fuel art. Steady employment of endless facination (how will I find that?) where I make a lot of $$.
Yeah.

With heavy wealth capacity I can shove my (?art?) work out there whether they want it or not.. All the gooood artists do that. Or die and are then appreciated. Whatev's.

Just bein' me isn't enough... and it hasn't been enough for years...what' up with that?
How things are: "Things are perpetually unresolved" - B.

QUIT

Reasons to quit smoking:
a) Cancer is permanent and invariably leads to death.Cigarette smoking contributes DIRECTLY to CANCER, emphysema, shortness of breath, pneumonia, sickness, coughing, bad breath, exhaustion and depression. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.

b)I think I like smoking cigarettes but really I hate it the moment I inhale. It makes me feel like I have failed myself. I own my body. I have to protect it. I HAVE THE WILL. TRY HARDER. I CAN.

c) Remember when your lungs filled with guck and sticky horrible tasting pus and you couldn’t breathe?? Desperation, oh God, when I get well again, I’ll never smoke again…

d)Cigarette companies control my life and make $money$ (so much fucken money = 1 pack aver. $7 x 5 a week x 52 x nearly seven years = $12,360. OR 36,500 cigarettes, give or take) off this weakness. EIGHT bucks now. (that’s $2,080 a year-- groady.) EIGHT bucks that could go towards art supplies, CD’s, food, books, a daily newspaper, a computer, school, travel, a more worthy cause then temporary brain lapse from carbon monoxide and a mediocre stimulant.

e)Everyone apparently should be able to run flat-out, from standing still, for two miles. Can you?

f)Surviving an addiction is hard but not impossible. You know this to be true. Prove it again to yourself.

g)YOU ARE RESTRICTING THE FLOW OF THE PRANA, YOUR LIFE FORCE.

h)Don’t let the dark side of the mind get sneaky and upperhanded. It will devise ways to get the chemicals: Lying, demanding, scraping, begging and stealing. The tobacco companies have mad scientists to envision new ways to keep me addicted.

j)Embrace the withdrawal. It’s not withdrawal in the sense of a loss. It’s detox! All I’m losing are the damaging poisons. Yippy! So they dig in their claws on the way out. So what?!?? Show ‘em who’s boss around here.

k)As you quit, you may have as much candy as you could possibly want.
Breathe freely. This will be a new freedom.


NO SMOKING

Meh

Man my head hurts. I've been staring at a bright screen for so many hours today it's really starting to get to me.
My lungs hurt too. I've been binge smoking out of stress. No song for today. Maybe "Trav'lin' light" Billie. Maybe. There was nothing that really stuck out.
I feel so on hold.
I really need the GOVERNMENT OF CANADA (!) to MAKE CONTACT and tell me what the deal is re: my loan. No word so far and I'm starting to get nervous. I have been given two numbers. One that is just a recording of a local number they would like me to call..and when I try that #... it is constantly busy. Que faire? It's alarming to me that I can't get a hold of the Ministry of Advanced Education if I want to. They have the money. I need it. But quick.

Ring Nebula 

An exploding supernova star leaves behind a rapidly expanding cloud of gaseous material called a nebula. The Crab Nebula was produced when a star in the Milky Way galaxy exploded. Light from the supernova reached the earth in 1054. At the center of the Crab Nebula, a spinning pulsar star emits light of varying brightness. This illuminates the gaseous particles of the nebula to give a cloudlike appearance.
 

La Fond du Temple Saint - Les Pecheurs de Perles

ZURGA C'était le soir! Dans l'air par la brise attiédi, Les brahmines au front inondé de lumière, Appelaient lentement la foule à la prière!
It was in the evening! In the air cooled by a breeze,The brahmanes with faces flooded with light, slowly called the crowd to prayer!

NADIR Au fond du temple saintParé de fleurs et d'or,Une femme apparaît!
At the back of the holy temple,decorated with flowers and gold, A woman appears!

ZURGA Une femme apparaît!
A woman appears!

NADIR Je crois la voir encore!
I can still see her!

ZURGA Je crois la voir encore!
I can still see her!

NADIR La foule prosternée. La regarde, etonnée, Et murmure tous bas:Voyez, c'est la déesse!Qui dans l'ombre se dresseEt vers nous tend les bras!
NADIR The prostrate crowdlooks at her amazedand murmurs under its breath:look, this is the goddesslooming up in the shadowand holding out her arms to us.

ZURGA Son voile se soulève!Ô vision! ô rêve!La foule est à genoux!
Her veil parts slightly.What a vision! What a dream!The crowd is kneeling.

ZURGA & NADIR Oui, c'est elle!C'est la déesse plus charmante et plus belle!Oui, c'est elle!C'est la déesse qui descend parmi nous!Son voile se soulève et la foule est à genoux!
Yes, it is she! It is the goddess,more charming and more beautiful.Yes, it is she! It is the goddesswho has come down among us. Her veil has parted and the crowd is kneeling.

NADIR Mais à travers la foule Elle s'ouvre un passage!
But through the crowd she makes her way.

ZURGA Son long voile déjàNous cache son visage!
Already her long veil hides her face from us.

NADIR Mon regard, hélas!La cherche en vain!
My eyes, alas! Seek her in vain!

ZURGA Elle fuit!
NADIR Elle fuit!Mais dans mon âme soudain
Quelle étrange ardeur s'allume!
She flees! She flees!
But what is this strange flame which has suddenly kindled in my soul!

ZURGA Quel feu nouveau me consume!
BRYN What unknown fire is destroying me?

NADIR Ta main repousse ma main!
Your hand pushes mine away!

ZURGA Ta main repousse ma main!
Your hand pushes mine away!

NADIR De nos cœurs l'amour s'empare. Et nous change en ennemis!
Love takes our hearts by stormand turns us into enemies!

ZURGA Non, que rien ne nous sépare!
No, let nothing part us!

NADIR Non, rien!
No, nothing!

ZURGA Jurons de rester amis!
Let us swear to remain friends!

NADIR Jurons de rester amis!
Let us swear to remain friends!

ZURGA & NADIR Oh oui, jurons de rester amis!Oui, c'est elle! C'est la déesse!En ce jour qui vient nous unir, Et fidèle à ma promesse, Comme un frère je veux te chérir! C'est elle, c'est la déesse. Qui vient en ce jour nous unir!Oui, partageons le même sort,Soyons unis jusqu'à la mort!

Oh yes, let us swear to remain friends! Yes, it is her, the goddess, who comes to unite us this day.And, faithful to my promise,I wish to cherish you like a brother!It is her, the goddess,who comes to unite us this day!Yes, let us share the same fate,let us be united until death!

la fin~

I t feels like I have been haunted by depression all my life. It sucks the motivation right out of me. (How bout I just go lie down and die?!!?) I have such a strong desire to do great things: Education:A degree in Biochem or Computer Engineering, write a book. Run an art gallery. Continue, continue. I want to learn the piano just in time to have a recording career in late life. I want to teach children.
None of this will happen if I keep undermining myself with sloth. I can't be entirely blamed for this inclination to do harm to my self. I was taught and now I have to unlearn it. It's easy to give up. It's easy to believe you can't do it. It's much harder to convince yourself you can when all you want to do it give up. First thing I should tackle is throwing out all my un-needed shit. I'm going to need an intervention. ~Self Intervention~

ISN'T IS EXCITING to know that we do not have to live out our childhood messages? As adults, we have choices.

- May 19th..Mediations For Women Who Do To Much

Mother notes:
She lives in the past, the writing,
it’s all about things that HAVE happened. Not so much a process of
evaluating what is happening now and what may happen and how to get there and
what one may find when one arrives. Lack of forward motion.
I write to deal with her and to make sense of what happened with her, how it hurt me
etc.
She writes about them. Her mother. Same reasons.
It is a cycle. I knew that ten years ago. I will be in the process of breaking
the vicious circle as it were if I don’t do these things that she does.
The way she does. So I have to think about what she does and why she does.

If I am to go the difficult route, she and I could try to get to know one another to
explore that common ground. AND HOW PAINFUL AND FUCKED UP WILL THAT BE??!??
I really don’t want to go there. I don’t like the way she
tells the same stories over and over. She doesn’t make new stories.
I wonder if she’s still boozing. Pills. You cannot trust this
person. Really. Keep it short and sweet.

Quips

06/27/05
I'm not to flatter some guy just to get his approval.
08/12/04
Lung butter, coming right up!!
08/11/04
Gotta go back to the gym. Time to take the power back.
08/04
See my face?!?
08/05/04
Dumped. How casual, not stylish.

Eviction Notice

16 days left. I am seriously not into looking for a new place to live. There is not a lot in my range. I'm looking for 550-700. 700 is still a lot more than I want to pay. I'm poor. Poor but relative happy today -aug 14th- I have the week after next I guess. Gotta get on it before the dastardly students scoop up all the prime opportunities.

I looked at appartments. That is to say: I looked in the paper, called some places, but after checking out where they were, I never went to the appointments. They were the same cracktown buildings I looked at last time I had to move. At least I got them out of the way. For a person like me, it's a drag looking for apartment. I don't like having to make calls, take and make appointments with strangers, all of over the city. From the tones of some of the people I talked to today, I can safely say I am not the only one.

On Sunday, my landlady (I have two landlord peoples, a lady and a man) came down to tell me I have to move - my world is turned up side down. I have school in a very short while and the last thing I need is a change of venue. I love paying cheap rent. I love my apartment. But now I have to move. I have 60 days. I can do this. I am scared. It's a big thing to have to pack up your shit with 4 weeks to go til the ultimate crunch down (school!) I can do this. What's more is I completed my student loan application on this quotient of rent. Now I have to reassess with the government and just getting them on the phone is a monumental task.

once upon a time..
When I had a garden. I did all I could. It's a lot of work. Constant work. believe it or not, not all plants get along. For example, onions (leaks) and potatoes. No go. The onions will kill the potatoes. (I had a lot of baseball and abandoned the garden both years I took a run at it.)It was wonderful.

B. 

Friend