18.75 hrs to go

I feel more at ease now. Today has been snarky stress and anxiety all day. Dad and I moved my bros bed to my new place. It got wet on the way on account of the rain. Blasted rain. I am drinkin' a mix of The Switch Watermelon Strawberry *flat* cola and a travellers size bottle of CC that Jena gave me. Delicious. Better than you'd think it'd be.
I have hope for the future. Today, it's going to be ok. Tomorrow will a breeze. I have a plan and all the different tasks are laid out with time limits for each one. toilet = ten minutes. bathtub = 30 mins. Most things are portable. According to my calculations, I have nine hrs tomorrow to go insane. Insane in the membrane, insane in the whole brain.
This will possibly be my last entry for a while. My internet service and phone will be cut tomrrow but no worry, I have a cell phone!!
At 11 this morning I realized I had not taken care of a few things. I called Telus and cancelled cancelled cancelled then I ran down to Ralph's Radio down the road. I bought this flashy little number (mine is red!) that works so far. The plan ain't great. I dashed and took the first reasonable sounding thing. It may get turned off a lot. I don't want to be one of those people who call someone every two seconds.

42 hrs to go

I signed my lease. I initialed something about not bringing in fur-covered or non-fur covered animals (damn! I can't bring in my stud iguana) that I had not yet declared to the landlord. I can terminate my lease that way. Gulp.
I took a look around on the way to BCIT to get a new ID card and there is a nice neighbourhood just past Boundary. I won't be stranded. There's a hardware store AND a liquor store and I found the Apple Barn Grocery the massage therapist was talking about.
I have so much more to do!
Exhaustion.....my knee hurts a bit from sliding yesterday. NO warmup is a bad idea.

I can't write anything more than blunt, bland sentences right now, so I'm out.

Monday

Oh lovely day! Waking up at nine. I would be gazing at the clock in the corner of my desktop of my computer right now, pining for it to get past nine, if I were workin'! 8:47.....8:53.......8:59.
Today, I have lots of stuff to do.
Yesterday was a blast and busy too. Busy busy. There was quite the cloud burst around 6:30. I was playing ball in that rain. A&B threw together an inter-store softball game: Seymour vs. Hastings. Naturally, considering my afiliation, I played for Seymour but I cheered for both sides. I was ready to poop out around the sixth. It was starting to suck. Playing softball when the rain is coming down in sheets isn't the most fun. We lost bad. 12 - 24 or something like that. (I didn't EVEN THINK to bring booze!! ;0) It was fun though. I am virtually trained to take a lead-off when the ball leaves the pitchers hand. It was very difficult to stay glued to the bag. Don't touch home plate?? Slowpitch is weeeeird.

Licentious formations

On my way to work on Tuesday (or was it Wednesday?) I found a page of a book on the sidewalk. Being the kind of person who considers these chance happenings to be some sort of clue from the Universe I picked it up and it's been in my purse until now. I have just I read it and i didn't recognize it. Google says it's part of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Interesting. It is a message. I don't know what it means though (heh)

li·cen·tious
( P ) Pronunciation
Key (l-snshs)adj.
Lacking moral discipline or ignoring legal
restraint, especially in sexual conduct.
Having no regard for accepted rules
or standards.

I read this book a long time ago. I don't remember much of what I read, I was maybe 11 at the time. Introducing page 65/66.

Begining of the Day

Wow, last night was awful but I figured out how I got into such a state.

1. Ends of things always upset me even when i have been waiting expectantly for them for some time. The Westward dropoff was sudden, when it FINALLY came. If that makes any sense.
2. I am mostly vegetarian (no longtime food stores.)
3. I am hypoglycemic.
4. I'm on a depression down-swing.
5. Two pints of shite-ass beer and meager nacho chips is not nutrition.
Therefore, I came home and fell through the floor. When I get that bad I can't even force myself to eat.

I did not go to look for food like I said I was going to. I went looking for booze. I went to the Kingsgate Mall Liquor Store and selected a small bottle of Drambuie and a bottle of Boone's which was on special (3.99!) In line, the cashier asked for my ID even before it was my turn. I looked like shit. Searching, I realized that I had no ID. I last had it at the Biltmore. It's in a pair of pants somewhere. DAMN IT!!!

I was denied.
I am 27.
Oh well, it was for the best.
At home, I lay on the floor for a while with Come in and Burn in my ears. (More on the wonder of Henry Rollins later.)

......
....
..
.
Eventually, I got up and made myself a piece of toast with almond butter which I ate with a swig of So Nice.

I slept on the couch. The next door girl was having a party. The raucous gaity woke me up around 12.30. I didn't get back to sleep for a couple of hrs and moved into my bedroom. My bed has been disposed of, you see. A casuality in the war against fleas. Ikea here I come.
Today, I feel better. The begining of the day kicks ass on the end.
The end is hard as hell.

Full-on

I have to come clean. I don't know why I exist. I wish I knew why. It's just sperm meets egg and I came into existance. I want to believe that there was a divine presence involved bucause hell yeah I see what I can do sometimes. Other times I feel like a useless being. I do nothing special. I am about to embark on a 40,000 dollar adventure into education and what's the point? What am I going to be when I'm finished??? A technician. Just another lowly grunt and I look around and i see talented people everywhere doing their thing and I have no thing. I am just filler or it feels that way right now. That woman broke me. She ruined my ability to see my own worth and now I coast. I am so self destructive. If it were not that I see some value in my being I would have offed myself a long time ago. That and no one would care for Niles. I live for Niles and the people who would be sad if I killed myself. I should still be in therapy. This cannot be fixed. When I get this low, it always comes back up. The brain equalizer chemicals kick in and I go back up. I'm going to get food.

Oh loneliness

My work function "farewell" was dismal. Sure there were people there who I like and would like to get to know better but there wasn't a festive feel to it. We had to almost shout to be heard over the music and chat on the patio. I feel very let down now. Everyone is busy. I want to keep partying. More so I want to be with people who love me. Like all of us, I feel misunderstood most of the time. I might walk up to the booze store and buy more to drink. There is no one to call.

I am suicidal about three times a week on a bad week. Maybe once every two weeks when it is going good. I have some serious self-viewing problem. I had only two pints just now and I feel really alone. I miss weed. I'm talking to myself here and most of the time. There is no real communion with any being other than God and some philosophy speculates that there is no higher being. What gives? This rant feels theraputic.

I am on my own and I know it. I have a certain amount of time left and I should not squander it. Then what do I do when I feel like this?

Tarot

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

Change

Change is permanent is what Garth says. Seems to me that I have spent some time stagnating. 6 days til moving day. 12 days til orientation at school. 1 day til I leave Westward. I am kinda tired but really impatient.

Pulverisateur

I wonder how well this bandana is helping me from becoming accidentally poisioned with Premise 1000. (With Precor Insect Growth Regulator! ) Probably not at all. Y'all know that, that paper mask which surgeons wear does absolutely nothing after about 15 mins? After it becomes moist from breath, it no longer does its job. I found it hilarious when people were wearing them during the Anthrax paranoia.

About 20% of untreated cases of cutaneous anthrax will result in death. http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dbmd/diseaseinfo/anthrax_g.htm

[Random site. I cannot be held accountable for accuracy of these random links. I just dig links.]
What about inhalation? Not good.
The guinea pigs are out on the balcony and I have sprayed most of the apartment. I wonder how long it will take before it isn't toxic in here for those little guys. Better not put them back on the carpet until tomorrow. I would feel really bad if I killed them.

This doesn't feel good

So, I took an apartment. I don't feel super great about it. It's way out in Nowhereland. Niles is not going to like not being able to go outside. I feel like I'm not doin' right by my best friend. That and there doesn't seem to be a grocery store anywhere near by. I'll have to eat ol' electronics and used wedding dresses. Oh well, we will have to make due. I'm impatient to get on with the next chapter of my life and yet I am reluctant to get started on the things that I have to do. I'm scared.

For the past three days I have had a hanging feeling of aprehension and dread. The feeling of impending doom. I don't know where it is coming from. Since I was a child, it has bothered me that I cannot see the future. There is something to that. I think that mentally I have figured the math that if I knew what would happen, I could act accordingly. Instead, I should adopt the mentality that what I do now affects my future. I can better the unforseeable by acting on the now. Does that make any sense? It's totally obvious, I guess. 'Normal' people know this already.

I read somewhere that mental contructs and psychological patterns i.e. ways of coping are imprinted between ages 11 and 13 years. Permenantly. Keep this in mind when you are about to embarrass a 12 year old kid. So what does this mean? If during this crucial learning period, a kid had no choice but to avoid or ignore negative situations in order to cope (it's not that bad...head in the sand) they will avoid negative situations when faced with them, for the rest of their adult life. Welcome to my life.
I know I avoid. I know that I deny and procrastinate. I think that recognizing this behavior is a good start. Time to clean the tub. Mannnn...

COMMENTS

Sure, I welcome comments from strangers. Even off topic. But not if they are going to advertise things. What's this?

Do they mean the Metro? DO I care? Does it have anything to do with my ramble babble. I will incorporate it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR RANDOM PLUG FOR HEARING AIDS.

I'm not going to pull all my comments just because some asshole tagged my blog with random advertisement. Jerk!
FUCK THE METRO.
Those people PISS ME OFF@!! Don't block my way with your stupid crap papers. Wasters. Shit hawkers. I gotta stop reading those things.

Door number three

I got there early and already, I thought it was the ugliest house on the block. I walked around the place first. A couple arrived, who were also there for the viewing. The apartment for rent was one floor up and i couldn't see how Niles could get out. He'd have to go out on the roof.. It would be an ok place if it was just me. Close to Broadway skytain but it was right on E. 12th. LOts of traffic. Two more people showed up to look at the place. There are a lot of people hunting for apartments right now and it makes me nervous. Dad and I are going to scout around tomorrow and I hope something shows up.
I finally got money.

Did anyone notice?

It's been driving me crazy. "/You have to believe that mercy has it's own country.. [ok, got it] and it's round and borderless./" Nothing can be ROUND and BORDERLESS. The definition of a circle is that the distance from the edge to the center point is the same through 360 degrees. Shapes have form. To have form they must have closed sides or edges. A circumference in this case. Now if it was 'round as in 'all around' and borderless that would be ok, but that is not what I hear in the song. Regardless, I still love the song.

Animal-Ani Difranco

This is a whole lot what my manic up-swing feels like. I felt it take off a few days ago. I will come down. Maybe its the moon or maybe I am a-typical depressive//manic depression//bipolar. Pick one, or try all three!!
(four posts is enough for tonight)

Not terrible

The 'pie' came out a glutinous mass with some apple in it. Kinda like a cake or bread that is not cooked all the way through. I forgot that oat does that. It makes for stickiness.
The apples could have used some more attention with the sugar and more lemon juice. Oh well. It's edible. Oh butter!

Home-made

i'm in the midst of baking some sort of apple pie-like concoction. My fren had some very green and tart apples from a tree in her fabulous garden. Blackberries too.

So the recipe was thrown together, as i have no money left really to speak of.. (does 3 dollars in nickels count as money? i have counted it, as money, but i am reluctant to spend it...as money {hold on a sec here bud, let me count out my 60 nickels}):

three smallish green-like-hell apples

a bag of blackberries

flour

granola

crushed walnut

brown sug

white sug

cinamon

lemon juice

fake egg

(raisins at the bottom for a surprise)

what's missing? well, butter for one. i have no idea if this is going to stick. fruit pies are usually soupy when i make them, from receipes that is. i wonder what it'll be like now that i am freestylin'.

i made a 'batter' out of fake egg mix, granola flour and water. It seemed to be possible.
'Fake Egg' to those wondering.... is made from what, i have no idea. Find out for me, will you?
i have it because lived with a guy once who was deathly (sweaty, keel over, throat closin', heart attack, coma, dead in under twenty minutes w/out adrenaline) allergic to egg.

That's allergic. So, there was never eggs or egg-filled products around the house.

EnerG No preservatives, Artificial flavorings or Sugar Added. Sodium free. No cholesterol.
Egg Replacer A culinary egg substitute 2 tablespoons = 1 egg.
(What the hell is this shit made from? Potato starch, tapioca flour, leavening (calcium lactate, calcium carbonate, citric acid) Calcium lactate is not dairy derived. It does not contain lactose.
So where is it from? Synthetic. http://www.answers.com/topic/lactic-acid

Is this some sort of vegan food? It has a crazy amino acid breakdown I will not include here.

Why do people discriminate against my animals?

I have some very well-behaved animals as pets. I've just been lucky.
I have been honest with these prospective landlords because I'm not exactly sure how it works. Can I get kicked out?I don't want to start something bad so I figure I should tell these jerks that I have two guinea pigs: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinea_pigs (They are not gerbils or hamsters, for the LAST TIME. Look at the pictures people.)
I wish I had a digital camera. They are cute, relatively small and quiet. If I clean their cage regularily they don't smell bad. Barn-like, I guess. I can't really smell them so it's no problem for me. SO many places i looked at on the BCIT housing page said no pets. Usually I have to find an apartment for Niles! A little Siamese: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siamese_cats, he is so polite. He is like 8 lbs and he won't do his dirty business in the house. I don't know why a landlord wouldn't like him. He's totally not for pooping in a contained space and won't go more than once in the same place. I mean, most animals don't unless they are in a cage. (you don't want the predators to know where you are...shh.) Civilization = in a cage..hmmm.. no, I like my toilet, thank you very much. Speaking of plumbling. I had a near disaster in the kitchen today.
All of a sudden: GLUG-GLUGG- PSFF- AH- GLUG- LG.. my kitchen sink starts backing up with soapy water and a terrifying-looking straw. I don't know why it was so scary. It happened twice. I was not impressed. This has never happened before. A satanic episode. Maybe, my sink is possessed. A drinking straw came up both times. Where the hell is that water coming from? The laundry room?

House Party

Went to a stellar house party on Fri night. Fantastic. Nothing like a booming DJ gig in the middle of an industrial area. My old neighbourhood. I got to see some peeps I don't see very often. I didn't drink much at all but cruising on a great time, I was up all night. Too bad I missed Garth's 4:30 am set of raging techno. I wandered off to Cas's to have some apple turnovers. I wandered back and poof it was daylight. Saturday was a write off and I completely missed an appointment to look at an apartment. Oops. Oh well. There are other fish in the sea.

Other Questions

So now that I'm in all good with the PM, should I ask him some really bold -faced questions like: "Hey! So Paul, does, like, Al-Qaeda, you know, really exist? My frens were just wonderin'...."
or
"About the Bush-man being frens with Bin Laden family, smells fishy don't ya think? How 'bout The Department of Home Security looks into that for a bit, EH?"
or maybe another thumbs up like:
"Way to go on the homo vote!! Gotta include everybody."

(Jokes aside on gay marriage. It's important. Everyone should get the chance to be as miserable as my parents were.)
(Jokes aside on my parents miserable marriage. It's about human rights, man.)

The Government of Canada

Several months ago, I woke up with the idea in my head to write the Prime Minister. With some strange force behind me, I went at it and drafted the most naive, idealistic piece of crap and sent it off. (I faxed it as well). The subject: The Star Wars Program. I must have been the first person in a decade to write the PM because the amount of response I have received. It's incredible. TO ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT OUR GOVERNMENT WILL NOT RESPOND SHOULD YOU SEND THEM YOUR DRIVEL OF AN OPINION: YOU ARE WRONG.

They will!! Oh yes. I was writing to say that I was delighted that we had decided against joining forces with the US in their crazy Ballistic Missile scheme.

[I am sorry but with this much buildup I cannot post the original letter, it's so naive it might as well be sarcastic]

I received, a week later, a card saying that my letter had been received at the Office of the Prime Minister and that it would be forwarded to the Department of National Defense (oh no! I thought, they are are taking me seriously--this never happens..)

A week after that, I received a letter from the DnD stating that they had received the letter forwarded from the PM's Office. (This letter is unstoppable I'm thinking. Great. Those guys are going to sit around and laugh... while they drink rye on the rocks at 11 am or whatever it is that they do...)

Today I have just received the letter from Bill Graham. That's right. I will post this.
{ok so you only get the first page for now, more when I figure out blogger.}
It basically says what I thought it would... la la-la, sure we said no to Star Wars but... la la-la don't be as stupid as to think we won't hold hands with Amerika as we plummet into hell... I mean, we have a long history with the US...lalala wait til you see how much we will spend on 'security' next year.

I would like to write Mr. Graham back and say that his letter is indeed very informative and thank you very much but I don't want a barrage of cards like I got when I wrote in the first place. Just kidding. It's very nice to see that they are paying attention. I feel like a kid.

REST

REST my head against the side of the bathroom stall
And let the pain out
Tears burn my eyes, my hand on my clenched stomach
This hurts

Only let a little out at a time
enough that I can keep going
this wolf will come back later
i can howl when i get home

War on Fleas

I killed at least 12 of those bastards tonight. Now, Niles knows what going in the bathroom is all about. He used to come in with me in the morning and ask me to turn on the bathtub tap for a drink. No longer.
It's sadistic but I love watching fleas struggle and then drown in the soapy water. They're a bitch to find. They torture my lil' man and in turn, he tortures me by keeping me awake with his scratching and chewing. It might take some time and effort to win this war.

A cat flea. Bastard!! (Doesn't it make you itch just looking at that fucker... me too.)

An Apartment Opens Up:

8.2.2005

To all those who require the following notice:

I intend to vacate apt #xxx-xxx E.xth Ave as of midnight August 31st thus terminating my month-by-month lease with 447 Development Inc. There will be a small yard sale on or around August 26th.
Thank you for your time.

BRegards,


Arbutus


kc/KC

Summer is Here

I went 7 hrs between meals today. Well, lunch and dinner. That's amazing for me since I have been exercising as well. Most of the food fuel we burn goes towards keeping our bodies warm and since it ain't cold, I got fuel to spare! I just had a szechan (sp?) tofu salad that was so so. Little boring.

The fleas love the warmth and it seems that there is nothing I can do to get rid of them. I have bathed that cat twice in three weeks. I have given him a dose of Zodiac (poor man's Advantage) and it does nothing. He's near a nervous breakdown with itching. I think there may be a much more severe epidermal problem. Poor little sod. I can't afford to take him to the vet because of my latest problem.

So I have run out of money... I maxed out the line severely. Bloody interest payments on the principal when now I have nothing. Swell. The lady at CIBC was so comforting. "I know, I can see it so clearly.." Yes, I am so sure she can. She and her kind came up with this scheme. I needed someone to say "Kristina!! Pay attention!!" During the part about interest and how when you get to the of the line ya fall down a hole. Sweeeet. C'mon Spetember. I can't wait to be eligible for MORE.